16th December 2011

The longest night of my life...

As I saw she took her last breath, her eyes were rolled up, her lips were blue...and then quietly her eyes were close. My heart tried not to believe what my mind been telling me. But as the doctor pronounce her death... I felt like my heart crushed into million pieces. I ran towards her body and hug her tight hoping that she will wake up. They tried to pull me away, so that my tears wont shed on her. I sat down on the floor, holding her hands and cried my heart out. My dad pull me and hug me to calm down......

She was lying on the bed, with her body covered with clean cloth. People were coming in and out to visit her for the last time. Relatives and friends were there too, riciding Surah Yassin. The closest ones mourned and could not believe that she has gone. They hugged me to give emotional support.

I tried so hard not to cry. I watched her body lying in front of me. My mind was flying without any direction. I was not able to sleep, not even a second. After reciding Surah Yassin for her, I lay my head on her side. My tears could not stop running. I lost my mother, a friend, a shelter and everything. We used to share everything, shoes, hijab, pins, jewelery, cars...and now I was alone.......

Everything happen so fast at the moment God took her away, but the night before we buried her was the longest night of my life.

Mama, saya tak sempat nak mintak ampun dengan Mama atas segala salah dan silap saya selama ni.

Mama, masa saya sakit raya haji haritu, mama betul-betul jaga saya. Buat air, masak bubur, urut kepala. Saya rasa lain sangat masa tu, tak tau plak it was your last raya with us.

Mama, people keep on asking me, kenapa sanggup berulang dari rumah ke tempat kerja. Saya selalu cakap, senang sebab malas nak pikir nak masak and basuh baju. Sebab mama ade. Tapi siapa pun tak tahu, saya duduk rumah sebab nak teman mama. Sebab sejak Qawi masuk Asrama, mama duduk sorang, Ayah jarang balik. Weekend, saya selalu takde pegi kelas. Lepas balik kerja and pagi before pegi kerja je saya ada untuk mama. I'm glad that I made that decision.

Mama, banyak mama berkorban untuk kami. Mama terluka, sakit dan menderita sebab Ayah kawin lain. Tapi mama tetap ada untuk kami.

Mama, walaupun ayah macam tu, dia tetap sayangkan mama. I can see through his eyes, he is heartbroken. 2, 3 hari ni saya masak. Saya tak tahu masak yang selalu mama masak. Ayah keep on mentioning, 'mama masak sedap lagi'. Even selama ni Ayah selalu kata mama masak masin la, manis la. Tapi, saya tahu. He loves your cook. And sure he gonna miss ur cucur udang.

Mama, walau sehancur mana pun hati saya meredhakan mama pergi. Saya nak mama tahu, saya sayang mama sangat-sangat, Jangan risau pasal Apit, Qawi, Ayah and maktok. I'll try my very best to make sure their needs, so that they won't feel so empty and lost since u're not here with us. Don't worry about Tom & Mimiey, and also Sugar and Boy. Saya akan duduk sini, selagi mampu and bagi diorang makan. Qawi akan jaga pokok-pokok mama. Dia janji nak buat landscape yang mama teringin sangat nak buat tu

Mama, saya tak sempat balas jasa mama and jaga mama sebaik-baiknya. Tapi saya harap, mama happy dengan apa saya buat untuk mama. InsyaAllah, doa saya akan sentiasa untuk mama, Sebab tu je yang tinggal yang boleh saya bagi untuk mama.

Mama, saya sayang mama sangat-sangat. Rumah ni rasa sunyi mama takde. Bulan depan Qawi pergi PLKN lepas tu sambung study plak. Saya tinggal sorang je nanti dekat rumah ni. Nanti mama datang la jengok okay. Saya takut duduk sorang-sorang....

Mama, banyak benda nak bagitau mama sampai tak tertulis.

Mama, nanti kita jumpa lagi....InsyaAllah...

Mama....

Rindu sangat....